Reflections in my journaling

A few days ago I got a hold of my journal from 2017 and read through the pages to see the contrast of where I was then and where I am now.

While I am happy because many of the things I was praying for I actually manifested — my own apartment, a healthy relationship with my family, strong fit healthy body, traveling the world, a fulfilling job.. etc. I was a little sad to read and sense the desperation in my writing. There was urgency, you can see it in the way the pen stroked the page. I felt a girl that was so desperate for outward success — perfect body, perfect soul mate, perfect job, perfect friends, perfect life RIGHT NOW.

And now, I can’t help but want to hug this girl and let her know that she will achieve what she thinks she wants but it won’t be enough. Because we (I) have no idea what perfect was.

My current journaling looks a little different these days. Instead of praying to weigh 135lb (lol I never got there, actually), I find myself expressing gratitude for experiences that lead me to greater happiness and well being. Inner peace and mental stability. Opportunities where I can lend myself and be of service to everyone around me. Small moments of love, laughter, light and joy surrounded by positive energy and people. To always find wonder in these moments. I no longer scribble my desperate desires to find a soul mate. Instead I offer myself up to the universe for ways in which I can learn more about myself and become the best version of my self — a version I would want to reflect in my best friend, wherever he may be, also working on himself to align to his best self.

I’ve reflected a lot about controlling the outcome — I wanted this thing in this specific way and nothing else would’ve made me happier. But life has shown countless times that I don’t know what’s best and almost always, the universe has something far better and greater planned for me then I could ever imagine up in my mind. All I could do is ask for the light to shine on my path and to enjoy the journey, with the most love and gratitude for every single moment.